Crackhead in Love
Chapter Three: you never really leave my mind
A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Friday, October 3, the apartment
There was a Computer Club meeting today.
Everybody forgets about the Computer Club, except you know, the members who actually enjoy it. Even some of the members forget about the meetings or even the club (I usually choose to miss out on the Physics Club or the Chess Club, but never the Computer Club). They’re always so caught up in other activities or personal happenings that they forget all about it. People often assume that the members of the Computer Club have no friends except each other…and that’s true for the most part.
I’m the treasurer. I could’ve been the president but I have absolutely no interest in being a figurehead. Or so I told Mia when she asked me why I was only the treasurer.
Most of the meeting was spent discussing what we could do for the Winter Carnival. We were planning several months ahead because Principal Gupta said that the Internet is not a culture and therefore cannot have its own table at the Cultural Diversity dance in a few weeks. So, we had all planned to boycott the dance, on principle.
But, you know, I kind of wish that I hadn’t agreed to boycott because I want to be at Mia’s first dance at AEHS.
Did I just write that?
I haven’t been to any of my own school dances and, trust me, there have been a lot that I have missed out on. When the dances were going on, I was usually out bowling or hanging out at Serendipity 3, enjoying a triple peppermint sundae (yes, that is on the Upper East Side, where I usually never go because you usually get bombarded by rich, spoiled brats, children and adults alike). Then, I usually like strolling to Central Park and reading a good book.
Yes, I am boring.
So, I overheard Lilly telling mom and dad that Mia is spending the night tonight. I better remember to forget to put my shirt on when I walk into the TV room, pretending to forget that Mia was spending the night. I better lift some weights before she comes over.
Even better, my parents are going to a benefit at the Puck Building for the homosexual children of the survivors of the Holocaust.
"I dunno, maybe we could make this program in which you can choose a character to play and build your own house and stuff…" Shaun Waldorf said, a dreamy look on his face. Shaun’s pretty cool but he’s a little…out there.
"That’s already been done," Judith said impatiently, not before fluttering her long eyelashes at me though.
That was pretty much how the rest of the meeting went: people proposing ideas and Judith shooting them down faster than a bullet to a goose. Okay, that made no sense at all.
But I’m guess I’m kind of glad I don’t make sense.
Then I wouldn’t be me.
Yeah, sure.
Saturday, October 4, the apartment, 1:45 p.m.
Last night was pretty cool, I think.
I knew Mia had come over and I was waiting to make an appearance. She came over about two hours ago and my shirt is off. Man, I’m such a slut. Well, no, forget that because that would usually imply that I am not of the Y chromosome and that I’ve had sex before. Which I haven’t.
So, I was answering my fan mail for my webzine, Crackhead. Most of the mail is pretty normal, just comments saying how they like my webzine and agree or disagree with my opinions on a variety of things. I also get the random weird or perverted e-mail. They’re actually pretty entertaining to read. Here are a few examples:
Hello, Michael. I know I haven’t even seen you before but reading your opinions on things makes me oh-so horny. Meow. I’ve had many fantasies about you, including one where we’re both only wearing fig leaves and feeding each other steamed fish. And then, you start licking chocolate sauce off of my…
LyKe, OmG! Mike, u sound lyke so hotttttttt!! Lyke idunno bout half of da things u r talkin about cuz u use ReAlLy BIG wordz but stilllllll, u sound hotttt!! Holla back!
To Whom It May Concern: I must say, your opinions on widely known topics are rather negative. Young man/woman, maybe you need some mental help. Sincerely, a Concerned Citizen
So, as soon as I finished responding to the last sane e-mail, the phone rang. I picked it up because I figured Lilly and Mia were too busy doing whatever it is girls do at their little sleepovers. I was surprised at the angry voice that told me the person was Mia’s dad. Wow. I’ve never met her dad. Mia said that he lives in Genovia so I guess that’s why.
I told him to hold on for a second and pressed the hold button. I put a blue button-down shirt and walked out of my room, the phone in my hand. I heard noise coming from my parents’ room so I figured that Mia and Lilly were in there. I opened the door and sure enough, they were on my parents’ canopy bed, a large vat of popcorn in front of them.
I told Mia that her dad was on the phone but almost immediately, an I’m-going-to-throw-up look appeared on Mia’s face. I took this as I sign that she didn’t want to talk to him. After a minute, I spoke.
"Okay, don’t worry about it, Thermopolis, I’ll tell him you and Lilly already went to bed." And so, I left the room for a minute, pressed the hold button again, and told Mia’s dad that they had already gone to sleep. He sounded so apologetic and I hung up. Then, I re-entered my parents’ room.
"Your dad apologized for calling so late and he said that he’d speak to you in the morning," I said. Mia had that throwing up look on her face so I called Pavlov and made him get into bed with Mia and Lilly. He crawled onto Mia’s lap and began licking her face. At that moment, I really wished that I were Pavlov.
Then, I sat down next to Mia (and she smelled really good) and Lilly asked me, purely out of the interest of science, which Bond girls were most attractive to me, the weapon-carrying brunettes or the blondes who always needed rescuing (it looked like they were watching James Bond movies).
"I can’t resist a girl with a weapon," I said, a lopsided grin on my face. Then, we started a conversation about my two favorite shows of all time, Xena: Warrior Princess and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After, Mia asked me if it was the end of the world and I had to repopulate the planet but could choose only one life mate, if I would choose Xena or Buffy.
After telling her that she was pretty weird to think up of a question like that, I chose Buffy. Then, we all started asking each other questions including ones about George Clooney.
"Who would you choose, Harrison Ford or Leonardo Dicaprio?" They both choose Harrison Ford because Leo was ‘too passé.’ Then I said, "Who would you choose, Harrison Ford or Josh Richter?"
And my mind was screaming: PICK HARRISON, MIA!! HARRISON!!
Lilly chose Harrison. But, unfortunately, Mia chose Josh. The bastard (Josh, I mean).
She said he’d live longer because Harrison is 60 and Josh could help her out with the kids.
Then I started saying some stuff like how in the face of nuclear Armageddon, Josh Richter would show cowardice. Then, my mind took control over me and I called them both idiots (kick me now) if they thought Josh would give them the time of day because he only like girls who put out.
Then, Lilly said she would put out for Josh Richter, but only if he bathed beforehand in antibacterial solution and wore three condoms coated with spermicidal fluid when they had sex.
JESUS! I do NOT want to imagine my sister and Josh Richter…
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Afterward, I asked Mia if she would put out for Mia and prayed that she would say no. But she didn’t. Instead of giving me a really straight answer, she told me she would if:
"The first two sound all right but if the third one is an example of the kind of boyfriend you’re expecting to forget, you’re going to be a virgin for a long, long time," I said, my nose wrinkled. "I don’t know a single male with an ounce of testosterone who could sit through Beauty and the Beast without projectile vomiting."
Then, Lilly asked me if I would choose Mia or Lana Weinberger. I quickly (and almost too quickly) answered, "Mia, of course." And she kept on doing it too, wanting to know if I would choose Mia or Madonna and if I would choose Buffy or Mia. I chose Mia over Madonna (never liked her) but not to arouse any suspicion, I chose Buffy over Mia. Only because everyone knows I love Buffy and if I chose Mia…well…it’s obvious what would happen.
And then, Lilly actually asked something the least bit informative: if Mia would choose me or Josh Richter. I suddenly felt my heartbeat quicken and waited eagerly for her response. She looked like she was thinking about it.
Sucks that my mom and dad came home right at that moment and yelled at us for eating popcorn and letting Pavlov into their room.
Considering how well I know Lilly (which really isn’t much but whatever), she probably asked Mia again when they were in Lilly’s room. I only wish I was there too to hear her response.
The only thing is that I think she would choose Josh Richter.
Not me. Josh Richter.
A/N: Please review! )
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