Chapter Nine: Love Is Supposed to be This Bad

The Crackhead Chronicles

Chapter Nine: Love Is Supposed to be This Bad

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Next chapter is the last.

Wednesday Night, 7 p.m.

I still can’t believe it.

Mia…my Mia…is a princess!

A PRINCESS!!

Well, I guess it is pretty unbelievable.

Oh, the phone’s ringing. No one’s home besides me so—

Later on Wednesday, 10:45 p.m.

Okay, so instead of spending a Wednesday night rambling in my journal (namely, you), I went out to Number One Noodle Son with the Computer Club. Nothing calms you more than cold sesame noodles and roast-pork-and-wonton soup after finding out that your crush is a princess.

I mean, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. No…of course not.

But, then again, Mia might move to Genovia and meet some prince and fall in love…

And forget about me. I mean, her friends in Manhattan…

But she wouldn’t, would she?

Would she?

Anyway, it was pretty fun, just hanging out and eating cold sesame noodles. I don’t often hang out on school nights (or, come to think of it, weekends either) but when I do (with the Computer Club, of course), I usually have fun. Something interesting always happens. And tonight, it was when Judith excused herself to go to the ladies’ room and she slipped on a sesame noodle that someone (no one would admit it but…okay, it was me) had dropped.

I guess I felt kind of bad but it was just so funny. Judith turned bright red but she then started laughing and the rest of the Computer Club joined in with the laughter. Except Kenny Showalter, this anime obsessed freshman in the Computer Club, who was writing something on his napkin. I’m not usually very nosy but I sort of leaned in, pretending to reach for the plate of sweet-and-sour chicken and I saw three letters, written over and over again:

MIA.

At first, I was wondering why Kenny was writing Missing in Action when it dawned upon me what else he might be writing. Mia. As in Mia Thermopolis. As in Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo, Princess of Genovia (otherwise known as…Mia Thermopolis).

Anyway, the rest of the Computer Club was still laughing. We geeks are very easily amused.

But, hey…you can’t say that we’re antisocial. I mean, you can always rely on your fellow Computer Club members.

Wow, how stupid did I just sound?

Thursday, October 16, French

Well, I guess I should’ve known it would happen sooner or later.

Mia and Tina were eating lunch when who but Lana Weinberger should set her tray down by Mia. And then, Josh Richter (her boyfriend) and their entourages started piling into that one table. Everyone noticed that Lana Weinberger, snobby cheerleader bitch, had chosen to sat down by Mia Thermopolis, supreme geek queen (or, Princess, rather…ha ha).

I was watching them all talk rather intently (okay, so I was mostly looking at Mia) and Lana made this sort of astonished face at something Mia had said. She (Mia) had probably said something like how she couldn’t believe all of the saturated fats and animal by-products Josh and his cronies were consuming and that Lana and her little bimbo friends should get the hell out of there because they weren’t wanted, the little skanks.

Okay, maybe not. Because Mia is too nice to say that.

But she was probably thinking it.

I saw Lana look at her friends, then at Mia, and then burst out laughing. I was wondering what Lana found so funny.

Then, a few moments later, Weinberger’s jaw dropped at something Richter had said.

I wish I could’ve been there, even for a second, just to know what had been so funny and what surprised Lana so much. But, no, I just have to be a Computer Club geek. Then again, I’d rather be a geek than a snob. Even a popular snob at that. Who really cares about popularity?

After G & T, Lars, Mia’s bodyguard, sort of pulled me aside before I left the room (Mia was collecting her things) and we had a brief chat.

About Mia.

You know what the weird thing is? I’ve known Mia for about eight years, and I’ve liked her for three of those years, but her bodyguard finds out that I love Mia before she does.

"Michael, I couldn’t help but ask…," Lars said, almost hesitantly.

"Yeah?" I said, looking up at Lars (He’s really, really tall…and I’m 6’1").

"I have just noticed you staring…at Amelia quite a lot and…" My cheeks turned bright red at this. I didn’t even have to look into a mirror to know this; my cheeks were literally burning up. I sort of coughed nervously.

"Y-Yeah?" I said again, more nervously this time.

"Do you like the Princess, Michael? Amelia…er, Mia, I mean?" Lars said. I sort of mumbled something (even I don’t know what I said). Lars looked at me knowingly.

"Yes, I thought so," He said.

"Uh…you’re not going to tell her, are you?" I said, my cheeks still red.

"What? Oh, no. No, of course not. I’ll keep this little chat confidential," Lars said. And with a wink, he walked back to Mia. And I couldn’t help but think he had acted a bit un-bodyguard-like.

Which wasn’t so bad.

Friday, October 17, Homeroom

Lana Weinberger and Josh Richter, formerly AEHS’ hottest couple (I personally don’t see it), are no more.

As in, they broke up.

Paul, who’s always "up with the gossip," told me that Josh broke up with Lana last night after crew practice. They were having dinner together at the Hard Rock Café when he asked her for his class ring back.

Way to go, Josh. Ask for your man-jewelry back.

Friday Night

I hate my life.

Hate it, hate it, hate it.

And you know why? Josh Richter asked Mia to the Cultural Diversity Dance, which is tomorrow.

JOSH ASKED MIA TO THE CULTURAL DIVERSITY DANCE!!

If only I had had the courage to ask her before. But no…

You snooze, you lose. I’ve been hearing that throughout my entire life but I’ve never really understood it until now.

We were in G & T when Mia and Lilly started arguing.

I hadn’t heard the news yet so I didn’t bother listening in.

Until I heard Lilly exclaim, "Well, at least I know Boris isn’t on the rebound."

This caught my interest so I sort of stopped listening to Adam Green through my headphones.

Then Mia said, "Josh isn’t on the rebound. He was broken up with Lana sixteen whole hours before he asked me."

And then I felt like my heart was getting stomped on by Mia’s combat boots.

No, any possible hope that Mia might like (even love) me back was crushed as soon as she started defending Josh.

"Plus Boris doesn’t do drugs."

After a few minutes or two, I looked at Lars and said, "You’re going, too, right?" I meant the dance.

"Oh, yes," Lars said and we exchanged a look.

This didn’t make me feel any better though.

Chapter Four: Only a Dream Waiting to Happen

Crackhead in Love

Chapter Four: Only a Dream Waiting to Happen

A/N: D Thanks for your reviews. I’m happy that you all like how the story is turning out. Also, I am starting a story (I’ve only written two chapters; I think I am going to finish the story before I post it up) in which Michael is a senior at Columbia, Mia is a freshman, including some weird twists. Hopefully, the material I use hasn’t been too hackneyed.

So, what do you all think of Princess in Pink? I was glad to see that there was a lot more Michael in it. I have lost a lot of respect for Lilly though. /

Saturday, October 4, 2 p.m.

Guess what?

I WAS RIGHT.

Not like that’s a first or anything but right after Mia left, Lilly knocked on my door.

"Yeah?" I yelled, considering that the Moldy Peaches was blaring from my stereo.

"Michael!! Open the door!" exclaimed Lilly. I, of course, wanted to know what she wanted. She almost never knocked on my door. Thank God.

"And why should I do that?" I said, putting the song on pause.

"Well, I wanted to tell you something important!" Lilly screeched in her oh-so unattractive voice. I rolled my eyes and rose from my bed. I opened the door and Lilly was standing, her hands on her hips.

"What?" I said grumpily.

"You know how I asked Mia last night if she would choose you or Josh Richter?" I rolled my eyes once again and nodded my head.

"…And your point is?"

"She told me she chose Josh," Lilly said smugly, looking even more like a pug than usual.

"Yeah, so what?" I said, doing my best and (successfully!) masking my disappointment.

"I just thought that you’d want to know," Lilly said, smirking.

"Why would I care if Mia wants to spend her life after a nuclear war with that Backstreet Boy wannabe?" I said impatiently. Lilly gave me a forceful shove and walked out. As I rubbed the spot she had clawed, I couldn’t help but think why Lilly would tell me. I mean, she doesn’t know that I love…I mean, like Mia.

No, she couldn’t possibly know.

Saturday, October 4, night

I was online putting the finishing touches on an article about the ozone layer when Mia, of all people, Instant Messages me. Me. Sadly, she wasn’t doing so to tell me she liked me or if I wanted to go to dinner with her or something. She just wanted me to get off-line so she could call Lilly. Plus, she likes Josh Richter. She’ll probably never like me because I’m probably the biggest nerd she knows.

CracKing: What do you want, Thermopolis?

FtLouie: I want to talk to Lilly. Please go off-line so I can call her.

I started getting curious.

CracKing: What do you want to talk to her about?

FtLouie: None of your business. Just go off-line, please. You can’t hog all the lines of communication to yourself. It isn’t fair.

CracKing: No one ever said life was fair, Thermopolis. What are you doing home, anyway? What’s the matter? Dreamboy didn’t call?

FtLouie: Who’s Dreamboy?

CracKing: You know, your postnuclear Armageddon life-mate of choice, Josh Richter.

OK, I admit, I was a bit mean. But I was mad. No, disappointed. Very disappointed.

FtLouie: Would you please go off-line so I can call Lilly??

CracKing: What’s the matter, Thermopolis? Did I strike a nerve?

And she logged off.

Jesus, I suck.

But then, a few minutes later, I logged off too. I mean, I didn’t want Mia to be even madder at me.

I’ve written a new song. It’s not too bad. Not my best either. It’s called, "She Never Knew." Yet another one about a guy (me) who is in love with a girl (Mia) but she doesn’t know.

And maybe she’ll never know.

Tuesday, October 7

I haven’t written in three days.

Usually, I would have a good reason. But I don’t.

There was a calculus test yesterday. We got our results back and (amazingly), I got a higher score than Judith Gershner did. And she spent quite a bit of time sulking. And quite a bit of time staring at me. Why is it that girls always think that us guys don’t notice when someone of the opposite or same sex stares at them incessantly?

The mysteries of life.

There hasn’t really been much to write about.

There’s a new member in the Computer Club. Her name is Anita Shinn. She’s a freshman, I think. And I also think that Judith is her role model. I met her today and she looks amazingly like Judith; they both have the same dark curly hair and both, I noticed, flutter their eyelashes a lot.

I also had a Mia-related dream last night. I was sleeping in my bed when I felt someone stroking my cheek. Before opening my eyes, I felt alarmed because people don’t usually stroke other people’s cheeks when people are sleeping. And I don’t think that really made sense. So, I slowly opened my eyes and to my utter delight, Mia was the one stroking my cheek. And it actually felt rather nice after I realized it was Mia. Mia smiled at me and told me to get out of bed. Of course I jumped out. Then, she took hold of my larger hand with her smaller, soft hand and the next thing I know, we’re both in this meadow. And there are pink rabbits bouncing around. Normally, that would scare me. But in my dream, it all felt so natural. Then, Mia leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I’m dressing up as Buffy for Halloween."

Only in my dreams. Literally.

What is there to write?

I enjoy dreams involving Mia and pink bunnies.

Jesus, I did not just write that.

A/N: Please review! )

Chapter Three: you never really leave my mind

Crackhead in Love

Chapter Three: you never really leave my mind

A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Friday, October 3, the apartment

There was a Computer Club meeting today.

Everybody forgets about the Computer Club, except you know, the members who actually enjoy it. Even some of the members forget about the meetings or even the club (I usually choose to miss out on the Physics Club or the Chess Club, but never the Computer Club). They’re always so caught up in other activities or personal happenings that they forget all about it. People often assume that the members of the Computer Club have no friends except each other…and that’s true for the most part.

I’m the treasurer. I could’ve been the president but I have absolutely no interest in being a figurehead. Or so I told Mia when she asked me why I was only the treasurer.

Most of the meeting was spent discussing what we could do for the Winter Carnival. We were planning several months ahead because Principal Gupta said that the Internet is not a culture and therefore cannot have its own table at the Cultural Diversity dance in a few weeks. So, we had all planned to boycott the dance, on principle.

But, you know, I kind of wish that I hadn’t agreed to boycott because I want to be at Mia’s first dance at AEHS.

Did I just write that?

I haven’t been to any of my own school dances and, trust me, there have been a lot that I have missed out on. When the dances were going on, I was usually out bowling or hanging out at Serendipity 3, enjoying a triple peppermint sundae (yes, that is on the Upper East Side, where I usually never go because you usually get bombarded by rich, spoiled brats, children and adults alike). Then, I usually like strolling to Central Park and reading a good book.

Yes, I am boring.

So, I overheard Lilly telling mom and dad that Mia is spending the night tonight. I better remember to forget to put my shirt on when I walk into the TV room, pretending to forget that Mia was spending the night. I better lift some weights before she comes over.

Even better, my parents are going to a benefit at the Puck Building for the homosexual children of the survivors of the Holocaust.

"I dunno, maybe we could make this program in which you can choose a character to play and build your own house and stuff…" Shaun Waldorf said, a dreamy look on his face. Shaun’s pretty cool but he’s a little…out there.

"That’s already been done," Judith said impatiently, not before fluttering her long eyelashes at me though.

That was pretty much how the rest of the meeting went: people proposing ideas and Judith shooting them down faster than a bullet to a goose. Okay, that made no sense at all.

But I’m guess I’m kind of glad I don’t make sense.

Then I wouldn’t be me.

Yeah, sure.

Saturday, October 4, the apartment, 1:45 p.m.

Last night was pretty cool, I think.

I knew Mia had come over and I was waiting to make an appearance. She came over about two hours ago and my shirt is off. Man, I’m such a slut. Well, no, forget that because that would usually imply that I am not of the Y chromosome and that I’ve had sex before. Which I haven’t.

So, I was answering my fan mail for my webzine, Crackhead. Most of the mail is pretty normal, just comments saying how they like my webzine and agree or disagree with my opinions on a variety of things. I also get the random weird or perverted e-mail. They’re actually pretty entertaining to read. Here are a few examples:

The Pervert

Hello, Michael. I know I haven’t even seen you before but reading your opinions on things makes me oh-so horny. Meow. I’ve had many fantasies about you, including one where we’re both only wearing fig leaves and feeding each other steamed fish. And then, you start licking chocolate sauce off of my…

The Teenybopper

LyKe, OmG! Mike, u sound lyke so hotttttttt!! Lyke idunno bout half of da things u r talkin about cuz u use ReAlLy BIG wordz but stilllllll, u sound hotttt!! Holla back!

The Concerned Citizen

To Whom It May Concern: I must say, your opinions on widely known topics are rather negative. Young man/woman, maybe you need some mental help. Sincerely, a Concerned Citizen

So, as soon as I finished responding to the last sane e-mail, the phone rang. I picked it up because I figured Lilly and Mia were too busy doing whatever it is girls do at their little sleepovers. I was surprised at the angry voice that told me the person was Mia’s dad. Wow. I’ve never met her dad. Mia said that he lives in Genovia so I guess that’s why.

I told him to hold on for a second and pressed the hold button. I put a blue button-down shirt and walked out of my room, the phone in my hand. I heard noise coming from my parents’ room so I figured that Mia and Lilly were in there. I opened the door and sure enough, they were on my parents’ canopy bed, a large vat of popcorn in front of them.

I told Mia that her dad was on the phone but almost immediately, an I’m-going-to-throw-up look appeared on Mia’s face. I took this as I sign that she didn’t want to talk to him. After a minute, I spoke.

"Okay, don’t worry about it, Thermopolis, I’ll tell him you and Lilly already went to bed." And so, I left the room for a minute, pressed the hold button again, and told Mia’s dad that they had already gone to sleep. He sounded so apologetic and I hung up. Then, I re-entered my parents’ room.

"Your dad apologized for calling so late and he said that he’d speak to you in the morning," I said. Mia had that throwing up look on her face so I called Pavlov and made him get into bed with Mia and Lilly. He crawled onto Mia’s lap and began licking her face. At that moment, I really wished that I were Pavlov.

Then, I sat down next to Mia (and she smelled really good) and Lilly asked me, purely out of the interest of science, which Bond girls were most attractive to me, the weapon-carrying brunettes or the blondes who always needed rescuing (it looked like they were watching James Bond movies).

"I can’t resist a girl with a weapon," I said, a lopsided grin on my face. Then, we started a conversation about my two favorite shows of all time, Xena: Warrior Princess and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After, Mia asked me if it was the end of the world and I had to repopulate the planet but could choose only one life mate, if I would choose Xena or Buffy.

After telling her that she was pretty weird to think up of a question like that, I chose Buffy. Then, we all started asking each other questions including ones about George Clooney.

"Who would you choose, Harrison Ford or Leonardo Dicaprio?" They both choose Harrison Ford because Leo was ‘too passé.’ Then I said, "Who would you choose, Harrison Ford or Josh Richter?"

And my mind was screaming: PICK HARRISON, MIA!! HARRISON!!

Lilly chose Harrison. But, unfortunately, Mia chose Josh. The bastard (Josh, I mean).

She said he’d live longer because Harrison is 60 and Josh could help her out with the kids.

Then I started saying some stuff like how in the face of nuclear Armageddon, Josh Richter would show cowardice. Then, my mind took control over me and I called them both idiots (kick me now) if they thought Josh would give them the time of day because he only like girls who put out.

Then, Lilly said she would put out for Josh Richter, but only if he bathed beforehand in antibacterial solution and wore three condoms coated with spermicidal fluid when they had sex.

JESUS! I do NOT want to imagine my sister and Josh Richter…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Afterward, I asked Mia if she would put out for Mia and prayed that she would say no. But she didn’t. Instead of giving me a really straight answer, she told me she would if:

They’d been dating for at least a year. He pledged his undying love to her. He took her to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway and didn’t make fun of it.

"The first two sound all right but if the third one is an example of the kind of boyfriend you’re expecting to forget, you’re going to be a virgin for a long, long time," I said, my nose wrinkled. "I don’t know a single male with an ounce of testosterone who could sit through Beauty and the Beast without projectile vomiting."

Then, Lilly asked me if I would choose Mia or Lana Weinberger. I quickly (and almost too quickly) answered, "Mia, of course." And she kept on doing it too, wanting to know if I would choose Mia or Madonna and if I would choose Buffy or Mia. I chose Mia over Madonna (never liked her) but not to arouse any suspicion, I chose Buffy over Mia. Only because everyone knows I love Buffy and if I chose Mia…well…it’s obvious what would happen.

And then, Lilly actually asked something the least bit informative: if Mia would choose me or Josh Richter. I suddenly felt my heartbeat quicken and waited eagerly for her response. She looked like she was thinking about it.

Sucks that my mom and dad came home right at that moment and yelled at us for eating popcorn and letting Pavlov into their room.

Considering how well I know Lilly (which really isn’t much but whatever), she probably asked Mia again when they were in Lilly’s room. I only wish I was there too to hear her response.

The only thing is that I think she would choose Josh Richter.

Not me. Josh Richter.

A/N: Please review! )